How to treat a Woman:

Wine her.
Dine her.
Call her.
Hold her.
Surprise her.
Compliment her.
Smile at her.
Listen to her.
Laugh with her.
Cry with her.
Romance her.
Encourage her.
Believe in her.
Pray with her.
Pray for her.
Cuddle with her.
Shop with her.
Give her jewelry.
Buy her flowers.
Hold her hand.
Write love letters to her.
Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.

How To Treat a Man:
Show up naked.
Bring Beer and chicken wings-or pizza.
Don't block the TV.

Wednesday night I have to stay up ALL NIGHT because I have an EEG (brain scan) test on Thursday morning at 6:45 am…I have to get up at 1:00 am…NO CAFFINE after 3:00am (are they kidding???) and no sleep. They want me to have a seizure so they can get it down on paper. Fucking idiots…what is going to happen is I will probably have one BEFORE I get there in the car with my mother. Murphy’s Law-and you all know how tight Murphy and I are!!!!! Man, what a ball THIS is going to be! I am going to catch up on all my blogs and go to blockbuster and rent some of the movies I have been wanting to see but can’t because of the small child, since I will be up all damn night…Maybe I will do hour by hour posting just to make sure I stay awake…I am tired just thinking about it now…maybe I will video tape the whole thing…I wonder if they will let me then I will do a video post! Hahahahaha!

My Favorite Email Joke Of All Time...(so far-in blue)

Childrens books that didn’t make the cut…

1. You Are Different, and That’s Bad.
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegtables.
3.Dad’s New Wife Robert.
4. Fun Four Letter Words TO Know And Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I Can Do It Book
6. The Kids Guide To Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and The High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go To Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens CAN Fly
12. That’s It, I Am Putting You Up For Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets A Casket
14. The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have The Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking, and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were An Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. POP! Goes The Hamster-And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in The Moon is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like To Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
29. When It Rains, It is God Crying Over Something You Did

WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?"Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve... we have forbidden fruit!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so! " God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know." said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!"
"Did too! "
"DID NOT! "
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it,don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would bea piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE: “TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

What's next I ask you...

So, the "all natural" gallbladder" remedy didn't work...I ate too much butter and had an attack. I still want to keep the damn thing though-NOOOO surgery!

BUT, to top off everything...MY SEIZURE MEDICATION IS NOT WORKING...So, I am now trying new meds and not driving. Seizures SUCK! I think it might be stress...and if it is...can you imagine what is going to happen to me when my kid is a teenager??? Say goodnight now.

Here are some funnies...

I don't care who you are-you have to laugh at this!!!

A story about a forbidden and secretive relationship between two cowboys and their lives over the years.

Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullshit with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed, Clueless

Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like one.

***Disclaimer-I wouldn't mind a woman president. Just Please Lord, DO NOT let it be Hilary.

My little one lost her first front tooth yesterday. She left a note for the toothfairy (spelled toothfiery) telling her thank-you and she loves her. AWWWWWW! I saved it along with the tooth.

ONLY two more months until tax day!!!!! (whew.)

I got a "Grow Your Own Boyfriend" from the neighbors...And yummy cookies...And a terrific card from my daughter. What did you all get? (I will grow boyfriend over the weekend and I am hoping that he is anatomically correct!!!-I will upload pictures!)

The best Valentine's Day poem I have seen in a long time. Thanks for the email Angie!!!

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON COMPETITION ASKING FOR A RHYME WITHTHE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

(1) Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.
(2) I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
(3) Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl is empty and so is your head.
(4) Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.
(5) Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
(6) I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
(7) I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
-Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
(8) My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
(9) I see your face when ! I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
(10) My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
(11) My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell".
(12) What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Happy Valentine's Day!!!

Well, there is SO much going on in my life right now and NO DAMN time to post here! I will try to get my ass online tonight, but I am also glued to the TV for the Olympics.
So, here is my funny for Valentines. Happy, Happy everyone!

Let the GAMES begin...And I DO NOT mean the Olympics!

I could have smacked the crap out of my child yesterday...but I made her go to her room instead. I hit her where she lives and isolated her from people, because my little "angel" is a social butterfly and I made her stay in and go to bed at 7:00...Here is what happened...

(She has a note book that she comes home with every Thursday, that has her sight words in it and she has to write 6 sentences, one for each word and then we go over her sight words and I sign and she takes it back to school.)

Me-“Daughter, go and get your homework so we can do it now.”
Daughter-“I did my homework on the bus.”
Me-“OH REALLY? Let ME see it.”
Daughter-“It’s done Mommy, really!”
Me-“ Let. Me. See. It, NOW.”
Daughter gives me her homework and first it is done in pen very sloppy, but the REAL kicker was that SOMEONE SIGNED MY DAMN NAME IN CURSIVE-AND MISSPELLED IT-WHERE IT SAYS PARENTS SIGNATURE! My daughter can’t write in cursive yet. So, she starts bawling because she knows I am mad. So mad that I can hear my blood pressure rising in my head, really!
Me-“WHAT.IS.THIS?!
Daughter- “I did it and Christian helped me.”
Me-“Are you supposed to do your homework on the bus?”
Daughter (sobbing)-“N-n-o-o.”
Me- (freaking out and saying this through clenched teeth)-“GO.TO.BED.”Then I made her get up and do it all over again later-while I wrote a note to the teacher. Fun filled night let me tell you. Ugh, and it is only going to get better, I KNOW! I hate the bus!!! (I have to blame someone or something right? I don't want to admit that any wrong doings might be MY fault...not THIS early!)

On to what I was thinking this morning watching Katie & Matt in Torino. This is one thing that I never did think of when people ask me what I would do if I ever won the lottery, I would go to the Olympics!!! How much fun would THAT be? I cry when I watch though, it makes me incredibly nervous, I cannot imagine how the athletes feel!
GO USA!!!!!

Have a great weekend everyone!

I have no title today.

Thanks Dad, for this funny email yesterday!


I went and saw Brokeback Mountain…all I can say is WOW…that was WAY MORE than I expected!!! The beginning of the movie was weird at first. I was thinking, “HELLO…is anyone going to say anything???” But they jumped right in…and onto each other. I still dig Jake Gyllenhaal…or lust after his pretty ass. He is just so pretty to look at. Here is his Valentine’s Day card…I found it on-line. I have NO IDEA why I posted it, but I did. All together now, aaaaawwwwwwww.

My question of the day…Why is it that the phone call you are all day waiting for calls when you are in the bathroom? Every.Damn.Time.

There are things I want to post but now that I am on here, I am having a brain fart. I better start writing everything down...

Happy Thursday!

Just when I thought it was safe...

Last night was a real turning point in my life. I always said I would never lie to my daughter. If she asked, I would tell the truth, about everything...Until she asked what she asked me last night. She is seven mind you...
Daughter-(out of the blue-)"Mom, where do babies come from?"
Me-(choking) "WHY do you want to know that?!" (I also hate when people answer a question with a question...But NOW I know why, so they can scramble for a better answer!)
Daughter-"I just want to know..."
Me..."Um, well...THE STORK!" (Thank GOD for the vlassic pickle jar!)
Daughter-"WHAT? The stork?"
Me-"Yes, The stork brings you your baby..."
Daughter-(staring at me...For a few seconds...Saying nothing...)
Me-(She bought it...THANK YOU GOD, Thank you Thank you, Thank you!!!!!)

How awful am I??? I was SO not ready for that question at 7 years old!!! I now wonder if I will ever be able to dig my ass out of THAT lie-or if she will EVER believe me when I tell her the truth...I am such an idiot! But, how do you tell a seven year old where babies come from??? That whole"When a man and a woman are in love..." Really it should be, "When mommy was drunk and stupid, I had sex with your dad and poof! Here you are!!!" She couldn't handle the truth. There are some days I can't handle it. Then that whole "Reality Sucks" is a post for a later day.

SSDD

**Tried to uplaod a picutre here and blogger will not let me...I will try tonight from home!***

Well, the first snow day was yesterday. It was not much of a snow day-more like a windy day with some snow thrown in. Kind of cheesy, I guess they teachers just wanted a day off. (and who can blame them?)

The doctor's office called yesterday, n-o-t-h-i-n-g wrong...well I KNEW THAT! Did they just feel the need to scrape out my innards? Damn, man, I could have dealt without having that stress. But, I suppose better safe than sorry right? I have to have another pap on 6 months. I WILL not post anymore about it!
I REALLY need a new job. I have to start looking for one today-AFTER work!
daughter is well...she has her first loose front tooth. It is just hanging there. She won't pull it and won't let me pull it either. It is funny-and a bit gross- to see it just hanging there when she is talking. I need to get a picture of that!
Have not heard from Philip in weeks. Which is good, because he lives to make me crazy!
I was going to post something funny that I remembered, but I forgot. I guess I need to start writing things down, I have CRS.

The blame game...

This morning, Daughter's teacher told me that daughter has been having “personal feelings” (Whatever that means) about her Grandma & Grandpa splitting up…(which as it looks now, they are not…) But her teacher said to me that maybe daughter might be a good candidate to go to the schools “banana splits” program, so she can cope with her feelings…Good Lord…I didn’t freak out when she told me this, I am freaked now. I will be getting literature from her on this…WHY did my child not talk to me about this?? That’s my question. This is another really good reason why I don’t date. I WILL not drag my kid through this nonsense! So, if I end up all alone when I am older, I will not care too much because I know that I did the BEST thing for my daughter…NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY PHIL!!!
You know they didn’t have any "coping" programs when I was a kid. We were just expected to deal with it, and we did. I DO NOT WANT MY KID TO BE A BLAMER! I want her to stand on her own two feet and take responsibility for her actions and herself, not to say, “Oh I didn’t have a dad and that is why I have problems.” I need her to be tough so she can stand on her own two feet and not let ANYONE bring her down!!! When she makes a mistake, I want her to pull herself up by her bootstraps, dust herself off and go on about her life. NOT to blame other people for her problems. I. HATE. THAT. People blaming everyone else for THEIR mistakes. Take responsibility people!!! It is YOUR fault you shot someone, NOT your moms fault, not your dads fault and not your “therapist” either. IT is your fault for pulling the trigger! I am done ranting now…
So, apparently it is not just me that doesn’t want Iran to have nuclear power. Just another thing along with bird flu and Teflon to worry about! Oh, here is a bit on Teflon…

DOVER, Del. - A chemical used in the manufacture of Teflon and other nonstick and stain-resistant products should be considered a "likely" carcinogen, according to an independent scientific review panel advising the Environmental Protection Agency
PFOA is a processing aid used in the manufacturing of fluoropolymers, which have a wide variety of product applications, including nonstick cookware. The chemical also can be a byproduct in the manufacturing of fluorotelomers used in surface protection products for applications such as stain-resistant textiles and grease-resistant food wrapping.

Just like my sister said...Its in everything...

Yum...Look at Seth...
So, did anyone watch Four Kings last night? HOW FUNNY IS THAT SHOW! I dig Seth Green…His character cracks me up…besides the fact that he is a redhead…that just makes him cuter to me!!! Photo stolen from NBC website…please don’t sue me!!!

DID I ALSO FORGET TO SAY GOOOOOO SEAHAWKS?
GO SEATTLE!!!!
If I had 50 bucks to bet…I would put my money on Seattle…I just really want them to win.

Happy Groundhogs Day!

I just LOVE the guys named Phil...

Braces. I didn’t have to have braces because when I was younger, you could stick a slice of Wonder Bread between my two front teeth. Made it REALLY easy to floss. SO, needless to say, when the rest of my teeth came in, I had room for them in my big yap, and they are straight. My sister had braces-HATED them. But my point is, Maxine’s bottom teeth are coming in very crooked. I guess I had better start saving money for the orthodontist, because my insurance doesn’t cover orthodontist’s work. I was hoping that I could slide by with out her having to get them, but now I see that is not the case. I think I have blocked out her fathers teeth…I remember that they were pretty white, but they did overlap. I guess she got that from him. Poor kid. I have heard that they hurt. It is going to hurt my savings if I don’t start saving now!

I think my Mother is now staying with her husband…I think I am going crazy from her back and forth! It is getting to the point that I am going to sit her down and tell her like it is…Yeah right. I don’t have a hair on my ass to tell her off! Who am I kidding?

Dad sent this email to me. Why DO we have so much bureaucratic bullshit to go through to get things done??? Make me nuts. But I do love this country!

Have you noticed how Great Britain seems to be making a fool out of uslately?
Regarding the Russian submarine snarled in underwater cables a couple of weeks ago...By the time we cleared all the bureaucratic "B.S." and gotstarted, Great Britain had arrived, completed the rescue of the seven mentrapped in the submarine, and were cleaning up.
England's Prime Minister Blair made a national speech yesterday in which hemore or less said he didn't give a damn what color you were, what religionyou practiced, or how long you'd been in England... anyone stirring up trouble was OUT.... DEPORTED ... GONE!
We're having a hell of a time keeping men, women and children from crossing the borders illegally, we support them when they get here, and put people in jail for reporting them.
Within days of the terrorist attacks in England, Scotland Yard had accounted for every man involved. We're still looking for 9/11 terrorists, can't findBin Laden, and are now trying to get "permission" to search people who might have bombs.
While the rest of the world is dealing with major problems, we've got the whole damn Congress fighting over appointment of one Judge and whether or not the Atlanta Braves can keep their mascot.
We've become so politically correct we look like idiots to the rest of theworld.

Food For thought...

I do not know how true this is-but my dad sent it to me and I felt I needed to put it up here…
Jesse Jackson might be a nice man, but he is an ACLU freak and always up to start a mini roit when some guy in PRISON wants his rights. Forget that I say...WHAT about the person he killed! But, never mind about him…
Cindy Sheehan, just last night got kicked out of the State of the Union address before it even started…WHO was the fool who let her in-in the first place? I agree that the soilders need to come home-but I am glad that the military is here fighting for this country I love so much and I DO NOT QUESTION WHAT THEY DO SO I CAN HAVE THIS FREEDOM! But, she gave up her son…I do not know the circumstances, it might be he was in a better place than he would have been with her and she made the best choice for her son and now she feels awful because he has died in Iraq. But giving up ANOTHER son? WHY??? She is just out there now I think. That is just MY opinion. But, you know what they say about opinions, that they are like assholes…so maybe I am an asshole, but you know what? I am WOMAN enough to admit it! = )
So with that said, read below...


The grinning idiot clinging to Jesse Jackson is Cindy Sheehan... the sob sister protesting the war at Bush's ranch, who lost her son in the war, the same son she gave up in her divorce when he was 7 years old. And by the way if you wonder why she has so much free time ... she is going through another divorce right now and guess what? She is giving up custody of another son. As Forest Gump once wisely proclaimed, "Stupid is as stupid does."