Wishing I could live in the television...

One of my favorite sayings when I make a mistake is ”I could f-up a one man parade”...I said that to the lady here at work yesterday. She then says to me, “That seems to be your special talent” Gee, and I thought I was just squeaking by un-noticed…oops, I guess not!

Who started Craigslist? (ha ha and do not say Craig) I just want to kiss that person who ever it is because of the hours of fun I am having at the people who posting this stuff on here! What a laugh fest!

Did anyone else notice that it was Chris O’Donnell on Grey's Anatomy last Sunday night as the vet??? 5/23/2006 Oh holy mother of all things lovely...what else can that woman do to me? I noticed it more on commercials and I am d-y-i-n-g here...he is SO pretty, and with that beard yum and a vet too...he is also SUPER dreamy. See, reality is just not like that. Thank the Lord for Shonda Rhimes and her wonderful mind and these beautiful people who play them for my enjoyment. Photo snagged from here…THANKS!!! I did not ask, so if I have to take it down, I will.

My fluff and b.s. and this movie comes out this weekend. People still deal with these losses everyday. I have to see this movie this weekend. I am going to cry my eyes out. To everyone who helped and to all of the victims, they ended up being a heroes to me-weather they wanted to be or not. I will never forget that day…really great site to visit too. I wonder how the actors did not cry everyday on the set.

Have a good weekend everyone.

Can you imagine...

This is child abuse right?
This is an old email I found that cracked me up and before I deleted it forever and before it came around to me again in a year or two, I felt the need to put it up here and share...
Isn't he cute?
I wonder what he did?


***I know this is a joke...you can see that he isn't even holding on very well and the car is off of the road. I bet it was a cop that set up this picture! Good eye officer!***

ALSO...My sister and I want to know WHERE ARE THE HOT GUYS IN SKIMPY CLOTHES on Deal or no Deal? I am tired of the girls already, I am ready for the hot guys, bring 'em on already.

World's Saddest E-mail Ever

Being that I am a vegetarian now…I can not even believe that I am putting this joke that my father sent me up here. Just goes to show you what a sick and twisted mind I must have...and I get it from my dad!!! =)

Sorry to whomever I offend today.

WTF IS THIS???

Looks innocent right? kids hanging a flag...keep looking at pictures below and read this email my dad sent to me. UNBELIEVEABLE. I do not have a problem with immigrants, (See this post) I have a problem with people NOT being proud to be AMREICANS!





THE AMERICAN FLAG COMES SECOND By Michelle Malkin 3/29/2006
You will not see this heart-stopping photo on the front page of the NY Times or on the lead story of the major news networks. You should!!!





03/28 : Student protest in Whittier area students from Pioneer, California and Whittier high schools walked out of classes to protest the proposed federal immigration bill March 27, 2006. The protestors put up the Mexican flag over the American flag flying upside down at Montebello High. (Leo Jarzomb/Staff photo) -above photos

Meanwhile: Mexico Cheers Passage of Immigration Bill

Like I said: Welcome to reconquista.

The battle for our secure borders and immigration laws that actually mean something, however, hasn't even begun.

***ABOVE TAKEN FROM MICHELLE MALKIN'S SITE WHICH I RECIEVED IN AN EMAIL***

You want to fly your flag? Fly it like that IN your house. Oohhhh this pisses me off! Sure we are all proud of who we are and where we come from, America is a melting pot...but it is the USA! Good Lord how many times do I have to say it? IF you don't like it here...GO HOME! We are NOT stopping you!

I am done for today...

***UPDATE*** Someone left me a very important comment about me being an idiot. I made a BIG mistake! BUT I DID CORRECT MY MISTAKE! I try very hard not to be an idiot, but today got the better of me. I am sending out an apology to

Michelle Malkin for me being a dumb ass. So I have to go and post an apology on her site now and hope to God I don't get slammed by anyone else for me being a stupid ass today...and thanks again to anonymous for pointing out my mistake!

Priceless...

If anyone watches as much television as I do, then you have seen the “Write you’re our master card commercial.” where you do just that and they will air it? Well, this is one from a long time ago…do I dare send it in? I can’t take credit though. I received it in an email. Priceless though right? Please excuse the pun.

Subject: Priceless

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order and spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless.

Okay, all together now...aawwwwww. But, truth be told, what woman is going to do that when her husband pukes in the hall? Maybe a newlywed...just maybe.

Alright then...here they are.

My sister Nicole sent these guys to me because she knows how much I dig them...Hoops & Yoyo, go to Hallmarks site, free e-cards and yelling boards and they are too funny...they now are on my desk and sit in the vomit bucket that the hospital gave me. Too disgusting, I know...but I smile! They are right next to the empty candy tin that my good friend Liz from work gave me...it read "Medicine box, take one every hour as necessary." Well, I had almost all of that gone before I went in!

This one I took right before I left for the hospital. (Notice hole above belly button...from ring I had there.)

NASTY BLOODY PICTURES UNDER THIS ONE!!!!!

This one I had Mom take right when I got home. Ewwww! Belly button was still bleeding. Had surgery and stuck together with band-aids. Amazing.

These were taken a week after...I thought I took more when I was still purple from brusing, but I guess not. When I got home from the hospital, I then ended up with a cold...try coughing with little incisions. Not too fun. I had a high fever with this cold too and all I wanted to do was soak in a steaming hot bath-which I did a few times!

Sometimes I get a bit of pain from the incisions, but its nothing...how much of a baby am I? But I am back to 100%! Anyway, these are all of the pictures I took by myself! I wish I had photoshop. I would make myself look better! I tried to brighten them up a bit. Don't think it worked-looks over-processed. Belly button piercing-hole is still good. I tried it out the other day. =) I have to get a new one though. Old one broke and the other one I have is BIG and gawdy and catches on everything.

Sorry if anyone lost their cookies!

***It is pretty hard to get all of that sticky band-aid crap off yourself unless you use alcohol! Or so mom said. And I was NOT going to get any alcohol near my incisions!!! Just in case anyone was wondering what or why that crap was still on me a week later***

Here is my joke for Tuesday...

And tomorrow...some nasty-ass gall bladder surgery pictures. Well, before and after pictures anyway...I just transferred them to the PC yesterday. Sent them to my dad and sister. Wowie! I can't wait to hear the comments I will be getting from them about how gross I am!!! Oh and the new spring hat on Beethoven! I will post that picture later too!

“Just when I thought I was out…they pull me back in…”

If Chris Rock says bigger & blacker…can I say whiney-er and whiter? Plus, even more worry-some than ever!
Where are you? Hope all is well....I miss stalking your life ;)
Okay, so I got this from Nancy which made me feel all warm and fuzzy because I really did not think anyone would care if I fell off of the face of the earth besides maybe my family and my selfish self...Also, I have to give a shout out to cmhl or Ms. M… who asked me, “How did it go?” You’re a big “blog star"…I thought you forgot about me!!! I mean I have to face it, I have a blog where I sound off on my everyday mundane bullshit that means nothing to anyone but me because I am the one who laughs the loudest at my own jokes because I am the only one who really gets me. And I am cool with this-it has been this way for years now. But I love reading other blogs. They crack me up. They are all such great short stories. I guess lately I feel I don't have too much to say. Life has been keeping me so damn busy that I can hardly find time to do things that I want to do anymore. (Again with the selfishness-I know) I also am having health issues. New medicine is giving me a rough time...still not completely off of the other. The gall bladder came out on the 27th of March...um, yeah, I do not recommend that surgery to anyone...I mean I have never had surgery and it was not too bad-the worst was the pain medicine, Loratab. UGH! That crap makes you violently ill! I was better dealing with the pain than trying to not vomit. That stuff is just horrible stuff. My belly button used to be really cute! (At least I thought so!) I mean I had a cute gold ring with a tiny (cubic zirconia) diamond in the center where my belly button was pierced...now, I am all swollen still am bruised and the doctor sewed it shut! Everyone says that it will look normal again after the swelling goes away, but it has been a week! Pictures will be posted when I can-so fair warning of sheer disgusting! I mean in one of them my mom took the shot and I look HUGE still! The pump you full of gas like you are pregnant so they can see what they are doing inside and then you are stuck with it until it dissipates.
***Update*** I wrote that a week after I had it out. Belly button still pretty ugly. Doctor said to give it time…like six months. Lovely. I feel a lot better though…so if you have to have it done, it is not that bad. I take back what I said. Just don’t take the Loratab! Oh, and be careful if you have to cough…even though it feels like your insides are going to come squirting out-and you know better-they will not-but hold onto a pillow just in case. It made me feel much better. That was self-taught also-nobody told me that tip at the hospital! =(
Then there is the seven year old...Before the surgery (on the 22 to be exact) she and her friends decided that it would be fun for all of them if she rode the bus home with them to the Boys & Girls club after school without telling anyone. So, Mom calls me at work and says that my daughter is not on the bus and where is she??? I tell her April fools is a few weeks away yet and to cut it out because THAT is NOT too funny, she says she is NOT JOKING and I go into panic mode-almost seizure meltdown…I called the school, the secretary tells me that she will call the busing company, and puts me on hold, while the school was on the phone with the busing company, the Boys & Girls Club calls the schools and tells them that they have a stow away. The secretary switches over to me and tells me that she is not sure how or why, but my daughter is at they Boys and Girls club. Can you believe it??? I couldn’t either. I get there and I want to smack her and hug her…but I just cry. Long story short, they lady there tells me that two girls from her class con her into getting on their bus and going with them…I do not care for this nonsense because my daughter is SEVEN and I do believe she KNOWS better!!!!! Well, I thought she did. She does now! The whole school knew the next day and the one little girl’s mom had her apologize to the principal and write a very nice “I am sorry” letter to me. I will keep it FOREVER and give it to her kids if they ever do anything stupid! I have NO IDEA how people who have kids missing for more than 10 minutes like mine was handle themselves through such an ordeal…I lost control.
Funny old email I found that really fits the above story!
HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE KIDS:
MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains.
Place a fishstick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks).
Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen barefoot. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.
GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. Begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 a.m. Set alarm for5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.
PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.
PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple that already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

Ahhhhh. So true.

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST…Any of you fellow bloggers out there have immigrant grandparents? I did-from Canada. They were very happy to be able to move here and eager to learn English and have a better life for themselves and their children. They got visas, they learned English, and they became Americans, NOT Canadian – Americans, AMERICANS…bottom line. A-M-E-R-I-C-A-N-S!!! If it was such a damn good place back in what ever the heck country you were in…fucking GO BACK THEN! I don’t have a problem with you being proud of who you are or where you are from, but if you live HERE get a job and pull your weight and be a good American damnit! We AMERICANS love it here.
Now here is a good e-mail from Dad…

MR. PRESIDENT, I'M HEADED TO MEXICO

Dear President Bush:
I'm about to plan a little trip with my family and extended family, and I would like to ask you to assist me. I'm going to walk across the border from the U.S. Into Mexico, and I need to make a few arrangements. I know you can help with this.
I plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here. So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Vicente Fox, that I'm on my way over? Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:
1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.
3. All government forms need to be printed in English.
4. I want my kids to be taught by English-speaking teachers.
5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.
6. I want my kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the flagpole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down.
7. Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and lunch.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.
9. I do not plan to have any car insurance, and I won't make any effort to learn local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from Pres. Fox to leave me alone, please be sure that all police officers speak English.
11. I plan to fly the U.S. Flag from my housetop, put flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.
12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, and don't enforce any labor laws or tax laws.
13. Please tell all the people in the country to be extremely nice and never say a critical word about me, or about the strain I might place on the economy.
I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all the people who come to the U.S. From Mexico. I am sure that Pres. Fox won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.
However, if he gives you any trouble, just invite him to go quail hunting with your V.P.
Thank you so much for your kind help.