The NEW funny Christmas story...
Can you just see these guys on Christmas morning? WHAT DID WE GET...WHAT DID WE GET!!!???
I found this yesterday…um…yes at the office-but I truly was NOT messing around!!! I swear!!!!! I lost all of my mascara and almost wet my pants. Realized then I HAD to post it here…This is the site…snopes…about urban legends. Really cool site! Read below and see why!
This article is true and was submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. It won first prize.
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying,"Hang on Granny! Hang on!" My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination and found the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot amber to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-TOO FUNNY!
I was in bed last night and Max comes & crawls into bed with me and asks me to tell her a story from when she was little-her favorite is the one where she was sick and I took her to the emergency room and she threw up all down the front of me and it was in my bra-rotten thrown up milk with corn in it…
I was trying to remember some stories when I remembered the day I went to pre school to get her and she was crying…when I saw her teacher, he told me she and a boy-(I think his name was Adain) were in time out-and she got into trouble while in time out because she frigging BIT THE KID! She was 4 at the time. When asked why, She told everyone she bit him because he told her too. I signed her out and in the car she was crying…I asked her WHY she would bite him and again she said she bit him because he told her to. I asked her to tell me EXACTLY what had transpired…She says to me “We were in time out for not being quite at story time and I said to him in time out it was his fault we were there and he said “Maxine, BITE ME!’ so I DID! And nobody believes me” It was right then in the car that I understood and I started CRACKING UP! I took her back in the school and told her teacher who in turn cracked up him self and said to Maxine, “Why didn’t you tell us that Maxine?” She says, “I DID! I TOLD YOU HE TOLD ME TO BITE HIM!” We all fell over laughing then had ANOTHER talking to her about not biting and why it is wrong, even if someone tells you too…
Then there is a story that theguyiloveinflorida told me a long time ago that my daughter likes to hear because it is so cute…theguyiloveinflorida, his son was getting over a cold and his nose was running, theguyiloveinflorida says to his son, “Mason, go and get some tissues” a few minutes later Mason appears with his sneakers and puts them on the coffee table in front of his dad…theguyiloveinflorida says, “Son, what are you doing with your shoes?” Mason says, “You told me to go and get two shoes, so here they are…TWO SHOES!” tissues-two shoes…it sounds the same and he was still sick and I think his ears could have been clogged. But is that cute too or what???
Merry Christmas Eve to all of you out there in Blogger world! I hope it is wonderful for all!!!
I found this yesterday…um…yes at the office-but I truly was NOT messing around!!! I swear!!!!! I lost all of my mascara and almost wet my pants. Realized then I HAD to post it here…This is the site…snopes…about urban legends. Really cool site! Read below and see why!
This article is true and was submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. It won first prize.
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying,"Hang on Granny! Hang on!" My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination and found the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot amber to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-TOO FUNNY!
I was in bed last night and Max comes & crawls into bed with me and asks me to tell her a story from when she was little-her favorite is the one where she was sick and I took her to the emergency room and she threw up all down the front of me and it was in my bra-rotten thrown up milk with corn in it…
I was trying to remember some stories when I remembered the day I went to pre school to get her and she was crying…when I saw her teacher, he told me she and a boy-(I think his name was Adain) were in time out-and she got into trouble while in time out because she frigging BIT THE KID! She was 4 at the time. When asked why, She told everyone she bit him because he told her too. I signed her out and in the car she was crying…I asked her WHY she would bite him and again she said she bit him because he told her to. I asked her to tell me EXACTLY what had transpired…She says to me “We were in time out for not being quite at story time and I said to him in time out it was his fault we were there and he said “Maxine, BITE ME!’ so I DID! And nobody believes me” It was right then in the car that I understood and I started CRACKING UP! I took her back in the school and told her teacher who in turn cracked up him self and said to Maxine, “Why didn’t you tell us that Maxine?” She says, “I DID! I TOLD YOU HE TOLD ME TO BITE HIM!” We all fell over laughing then had ANOTHER talking to her about not biting and why it is wrong, even if someone tells you too…
Then there is a story that theguyiloveinflorida told me a long time ago that my daughter likes to hear because it is so cute…theguyiloveinflorida, his son was getting over a cold and his nose was running, theguyiloveinflorida says to his son, “Mason, go and get some tissues” a few minutes later Mason appears with his sneakers and puts them on the coffee table in front of his dad…theguyiloveinflorida says, “Son, what are you doing with your shoes?” Mason says, “You told me to go and get two shoes, so here they are…TWO SHOES!” tissues-two shoes…it sounds the same and he was still sick and I think his ears could have been clogged. But is that cute too or what???
Merry Christmas Eve to all of you out there in Blogger world! I hope it is wonderful for all!!!
posted by worry woman at Saturday, December 24, 2005
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