Damn Murphy And His Laws Vol. II

What happened to me yesterday is what stand up comics talk about. Thank goodness for my humor-or I would have maybe self-combusted! Here we go, I will break my day down for you all, it might seem silly at the beginning, but let me tell you…it just gets better and better near the end…

Up at 6:00am
6:05 coffee started. Max breakfast
6:35 Shower
6:57 Get myself and child ready for work/school
8:00 Out the door trying to get car started/de-iced
8:15 Drive small child to school
8:23 Walk child to door of school (because I am a freak and won’t let her go alone!)
8:27 Race back to car to go to work
SEEMS NORMAL ALREADY RIGHT? It is, it is actually going VERY WELL at this point…
8:27 put key in lock…won’t turn…pull out key…warm up lock with my gloved finger…almost get hit by crazy driving parent with a late child…
8:29 Put key in lock again and turn HARD…I bend the key…BUT DOOR OPENS! I can get in the car Good right? WRONG, oh so wrong. Key will not turn in ignition. I think no big deal, I will just use the cell and call my mom, SHIT! She went to Germany on vacation!!! I will try my step dad…(I AM EFFING FREEZING IN MY CAR) I call the step dad…NO EFFING ANSWER! I go into the school and ask for a hammer for my throbbing brain so I can do myself in PLEASE…(I never forget to say please…) janitor says he will be right back…
8:45 I now call work to say I will be late…no problem they say…I wait.
8:50 I have to stand up for the pledge.
8:56 Then, someone I know from moms neighborhood drives up with her child! I say, YOU ARE MY ANGEL! PLEASE drop me off at my moms? She told me no problem, she just needs to take the other two girls to school…
9:15 Neighbor drops me off at my moms place
9:20 I am looking for my spare key…MY MOM HAS IT IN GERMANY!!!
9:30 I get moms car un frozen and take her Volvo to work-she won’t need it
9:45 I am at the office. Message on desk to call one of my clients because the paperwork I sent to her-she says is wrong…(okay, she wanted to get a jump on this tax season, so she wanted her account totals from last year…I SENT HER ALL OF HER PAPERWORK…She just wanted the amounts…THEY WERE ON THERE BUT NO THAT IS NOT WHAT SHW WANTED. So, I had to baby her and just send her THE AMOUNTS…) Things all day were messed up, so I am not going there…
4:00 I get the child
4:15 I go through McDonalds…Put the window down and place my order. Max got the Chicken Mcnuggets kids meal. I ordered a fish sandwich…DO YOU THINK IT WAS RIGHT? No, I didn’t get what I ordered. I didn’t care at that point, because I now have a NEW ISSUE!
4:20 I am now sitting in McDonalds parking lot trying to make the window on my moms Volvo go back up! IT is stuck half way up…I think FUCK IT! I need a new key for my car!
4:25 I am off to West Herr Toyota…about 20-25 minutes away from me…I make Max sit in the front with me and I turn up the heat on full blast so we won’t be too cold.
4:40 Get to the dealership parts department…They look at key and tell me, “Yup, its bent.”I say, “Ummm” (BUT THINKING-No shit, aren’t you the fucking rocket scientist!”) “But we can make a new one from this.” I say, “Oh, Please, (and)Thank you.” (because NO MATTER WHAT I am polite and use my manners!)
4:50 I pay my bill and go…
5:15 Get to my car in front, mind you on the street (mind you here in Buffalo, you are NOT to park on the street after it snows because of the snow plows!) So I tell Max to wait, I am just goning to move my car to the school parking lot. But GUESS WHAT???
If you are guessing that the key didn’t work…YOU ARE RIGHT!!!!! CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE IT? I couldn’t make this shit up I tell you! So I call the dealership and say…
“HI, I was JUST there to get a key made…” HE FUCKING INTERUPTS ME AND SAYS, “Oops, doesn’t work does it?”
I say, “NO SIR IT DOES NOT!” “DO YOU HAVE THE KEY CODE?”
He says, “Yes, we do, I get to work on that right now.” I say, "Good, I am on my way BACK RIGHT NOW…THANK-YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” (I am ALWAYS polite!)
5:20 BACK OUT TO TOYOTA DEALERSHIP…
5:42 I get back to parts department and some man is standing there bullshitting with the parts guy about hunting of ALL things. NOT PARTS OR CARS, hunting. He was just there to suck up the minutes I so desperately needed…I wait…
5:49 (Cause NOW I am pissed…) Man in front of counter…”I havn’t even gotten none of my Christmas shopping done”
Guy behind counter “I haven’t got anything for my wife yet.”
Man in front “Me either, but she says she don’t want nothin’.” -YES PEOPLE, HE ACTUALLY SAID SHE DON’T WANT NOTHIN’…speech wise, it made my ears hurt!
(Me…making eye contact with guy behind counter with sheer frustration in my eyes…)
I finally interrupt and say,
Me “Your wife is lying…she really DOES want something…even if it is small, at least it will be something to open from you.”
This guy just STARES at me…I am thinking oh dude, PLEASE FUCK WITH ME, PLEASE!!!!! I need an asshole like you to just RIP INTO!
Guy behind counter “You are here for the key right?”
Me “YES I am…”
Guy hands me key without bill…
I ask, “How much?”
He says “No Charge.”
Being the polite person I am I say, Thank you…and stare back at asshole who is still staring at me…”MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!”
5:55 LEAVE STORE and do not get arrested for homicide
6:20 Back at car…KEY WORKS! I put my car in parking lot of school and take moms car to wrap up window-because the damn thing still will not go up.
Walk home with child.From there on the whole evening was blissful…

Can you believe my day????? Tuesday was my usual Monday.
I can’t even tell you how many times I said the serenity prayer…I said it a few times through clenched teeth too. I KNOW God was having a good laugh too-he HAD to be!

Joke of the day…THANKS DAD! I do not think that the rednecks will vote for a woman president…as I am all for a woman pres…JUST NOT HILIARY! She already HAD HER TURN THERE!

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in upstate New York to talkabout the world. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is.
"Kenneth."
"And what is your question, Kenneth?"
"I have three questions:
1 ... Whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
2 ... Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
3 ... Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Hillary says,"OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"A different little boy puts his hand up. Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.
"Larry."
"And what is your question, Larry?"
"I have 5 questions:
1 ... “Whatever happened to your medical health care plan?”
2 ... “Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?”
3 ... “Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?”
4… ”Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?”
5 ... “And what happened to Kenneth?"