Why do I do this to myself? I have no idea

Where to begin…Had a conversation last night with hiccup…(as said earlier-his name rhymes with hiccup-not using real name) I think it might be last time we talk…I know he will never be mine but I dig him-I can’t help myself-AM I SO WRONG to even think that he likes me a bit more than just a friend??? Our mutual friend said to me that he just likes that I LIKE him.
Okay-long story sort of short-we worked together in Florida. He always picked on me and any excuse I had to talk with him I made it. So when I moved back to Titusville, I still talked regularly with my friend Angie. Ang kept him updated on my life because he would ask her-mostly out of friendliness I think. Well I was visiting once and her knew I was there and he stopped by her house for a few drinks. I had had a few drinks and before he left, I tried to kiss him…He didn’t let me. He said “NO, this would be wrong and he couldn’t do it, wasn’t that he didn’t want to just that he couldn’t-I apologized. I was embarrassed. Well we still talked-but not often. So when I moved up here to NY-I didn’t tell him. I decided to leave him behind…and he asked Angie where I was and he got my number from her-AND CALLED ME one afternoon and I have been all stupid for him again. I am pathetic aren’t I???

I told you everything-opened up and let you in-you made me feel alright for once in my life-now all that’s left of me-is what I pretend to be-so together –but so broken up inside-I can’t breathe-no I can’t sleep-I’m barely hanging on…Here I am-once again-I’m torn into pieces-can’t deny it-can’t pretend-just thought you were the one-broken up deep inside-but you won't get to see the tears I cry...